Well I'm trying tonight to blend and add shadows... I'm trying to be confident with the marks and use, blending and over painting im doing as a way to do this.... doing a small area at a time but also revisiting the area as a whole at the same time. While I'm not concerned about the the finished flower I'm solely working to see what happens..
Haha it looks well....? stupid .... at this point I fear disappointment 😔😕🙃 but like my panic attacks.... will let it come... what gonna change unless I can accept what is and the true is, it's not the end...
Letting the paint dry I move on to overpainting of the other apple I'd done night whatever!! with well another different apple
I have created a hairy apple lol.... but I can see progress here... another level of getting to a point...
Firstly when you start a work make sure the position is comfortable as my legs keep dying and I get pins in needles 🤨😕 suffering for my art indeed....
I'm frightened.... is it working??? I'm at a point of the unknown... I feel I wanna draw over it with a bigger black marker.. lol... like a child's colouring book..🙄 I can see something working... but I maybe need to go back to the a view frame so my angles and scale work.... I seem to make life harder than it should be... if I plan before hand for instance... by using a strict work plan... step one two and three...
Truth is while I do get frustrated at my ability I'm actually enjoying very much how hard my mind is working... my thoughts are rapid and fast.... and for the first time I enjoy the pull of understanding and can accept failure as a means as moving forward... I'm exhausted by it but the fact is my mind is feeling full of energy that I haven't really felt this pressure before.. am i near a stage of somethings gonna click... with my track record of luck lately I doubt many things but I haven't much to lose at the end of the day... ah at the day of the day! I love that saying.. my dad used to say stuff like that.. another reason I wanna be better than I've ever been !! To get acknowledgement of just how far I've came and my father to be proud of me... trouble is he's dead !! I wonder why I feel like I have to get acknowledgements from someone who isn't here.. I think it comes down to trying to please someone who was only there when it suited him. The psychology that comes into this makes me understand my own deep insecurity of childhood past and its funny how all this could be a way of accepting the fact I wanna be accepted my people who, have let me down or I feel a pull towards or my own lacking of I wish I had indeed spent more time with.... daffodils were my aunts favorite flowers.. since her passing wish so much to go back and have times of painting making and learning the things we had in common... anyway....
the need to complete and stick to something more than I am.. empathy, almost... gives me answers to many things I've failed at in the past... relationships and lack of committing to someone who thought or wanted to change me to suit them has indeed had an effect on myself.. truth is I don't blame any of them because I've never until the last 2 years even understood who or what I am... many persona's I've been because I wanna please everyone.. only now I ask myself... what do i want... ???
Money wealth and acceptance isn't something I crave ... for me I wanna paint draw create but in doing so I wanna feel I've grasped the concept of who I am... express and show love in all I live and do.. To relate to others as a way for them also to belief in themselves and know that all isn't lost .. no matter what or how they feel... there is learning and ability to find self love wether it's in art or acknowledging failure, acceptance and frustration in the every day ..
I'd like to add a massive smiling emoji to the end of this because ... well what's not to smile about... we're living and breathing and its possible for us all to change the next phase of ourselves...
Ps... I didn't and don't know or didnt plan all this shite coming out of me... the beauty of expression and acknowledging failure... but more than that living with the mind you've got... deep maybe... some people say I'm deep and over thinking... is ut a curse?.. I used to think this ... but now I use it as a tool to better myself in a way that bloody helps my tired mind settle and rewrite a past.... for myself! But also revisiting things without even knowing.. the subconscious within I didn't realise existed.
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