invincible reflection

Oh what has come of me...  

The other morning I slept at my dad's! (now brothers house) upon waking I did the usual coffee routine.. I remembered back to the age of 17 when I lived there.. I would sit on the door step with a coffee and cigarette and slowly come round to the morning..I enjoyed this. I decided to sit on the step again.. 

Only now a porch stood in place of the old step and the angles and viewpoint down the road seemed off...like the metre or so obviously with extension..... It seemed wrong....You can always go back.

The last few months I've found really tough.. mentally I find myself feeling like life is going backwards... I've been drinking more on a week night as an excuse to relax... but truth is it probably adds to my mental anxiety... my aunt just died from liver disease and my mother being an alcoholic for most of my childhood I really do and should know better. I worry of the effect this has on me. As I was pondering my thoughts .......I noticed

The car above had the words invincible on it (something were not) and I also noticed the words right next to the red light.. red being a sign or association of danger or warning I couldn't help but think of my own struggles of late...what is the driving force behind my negative changes? Why do I end up being so hard on myself! Surely its normal to have some difficult times that we have to just accept at some point. To sometimes just say fuck it and know that soon you will be back on the right track! I have the good angel and bad devil sometimes playing out in my head.

Unsure, exhausted and of a troubled mind I felt empty and full of self pity.   Two years ago I seemed so different with my health and fitness.. while my mental health with anxiety has been a issue for years I find I'm lacking in so many ways..  my studies seem lacking... and the financial cost that comes with being a student and the commitment to thinking it's all for the greater good seem like energy! What little energy I have is definitely used up trying my best to raise a family. More energy that I have times...

While this isn't about art it is about the fact that life is tough and as someone close to giving up all that she wants to be (whatever this learning leads to) knowing that detachment and a refocus is something we all should reevaluate. Even if admitted defeat for a short time.

While I'm not invincible, I am human. Doing all she can to move forward knowing she is doing all she can, day by day with faith that things can and do get better. Now to start my night 3 of painting bloody daffodils.  With hope that these works will start to get better! :) Laugh or you'll cry right.