I try to go deeper into why I do feel like this. But its deep and to be honest thinking your crazy or your gonna have a stroke or heart attack (because your so uptight your arm and chest muscles ache) at any given moment is terrifying. How much can I endure.
I'm doing meditation but it also makes me vulnerable. I've opened a world or box that is so big I feel I've become lost. A process that once I've begun seems to have generated many complicated problems. Opening the mind
Pandora box - Greek Mythology
Pandora was the first mortal woman who had a curious nature, breathed into existence by Hephaestus (god of fire) he enlisted the help of his companions to makes her ex special.
- Aphrodite - capacity for deep emotion
- Hermes - knowledge in languages plus her name (pandora)
- Athena - craftsmanship and attention to detail
- Zeus - two gifts, the first was the trait of curiosity, the second a box(jar) heavy and shut
Anyway long story short, She couldn't not know why she couldn't open box or what was in it. This plagued her and in the end convinced herself a little look wouldn't hurt anyone. She became obsessed with the box, it seemed they was a force inside that drew her in.
However, once the seal was broke, out came horrible creatures and deadly sounds. All swirling around her and out into the world. These were all the bad things and forces of evil Zeus had created and then resealed into the box.
Pandora felt the need to look again into the empty box, this time a warm beam of light came out and flew away. HOPE had been also set free to ease the suffering that was now release into the world.
Anyway - back to me and my shitty little ego and suffering! The search for hope part 2
Meditation and visualization tells you to see a place in your mind and go there . To breath and relax there. To keep breathing.. but when I awake every day the same worries the lack of trust comes back tenfold. Again the cycle begins.
I keep doing or saying stupid things when I have a few wines on a weekend.. be it with family or friends I keep either going way over the top or upsetting them.. I think in some ways it is the state of my mind coming out to be let loose and by God does it go....... in another way I think they should realise my cry for help... I'm struggling and I feel I know this cant go on... so what do I do .. how do I change when I'm exhausted.
My dreams are vivid and at the time detailed ... I don't seem to find peace in them either... once I wake I sometimes don't even have to open my eyes before the sense of dread begins and so another cycle begins again... same as yesterday but with extra pain or another day and what it brings.
I try and tell myself understanding comes from this and that soon it with all make sense.. my hard work will pay off and I will find peace. I need to believe.
A meditation I was doing told me visually picture a circle of stone overgrown with trees, grass and mosses. Then to go in and sit inside, breathe and connect to mother earth in a way that I plant my/own visual roots into the ground and become one with the universe. To relax there and let my thoughts come if need be or focus on my breathing etc . That morning I took dogs out and guess what I found a place totally like the place this man spoke of...I couldn't believe it and I started to cry as I thought is it a sign I'm on the right path/track... I need to trust in the greater good I'm doing...
But today I wake again with this sense of all the work I did yesterday wasted and forgotten.
I've been doing this for months now. Making sense of everything and nothing. .
Instagram of the nettles and lessons of doing the wrong thing over and over again until one day it sinks in and you know how to tackle the same problem but wiser.
Remember with shadows there has to be a substance... My mind is creating these problems maybe, but its something or somewhat of a run away train at times! How do you stop a run away train??
Fuck knows lets ask Google
How To Stop a Runaway Train
Locate the emergency brake in your car. ...
Pull the cord and brace yourself for the jerking action when the brakes are actuated and the cars slam together at their couplings.
If the train does not begin to slow down, something might be amiss with the emergency brake system in your car.
Yeah thanks for that! Maybe had I been a male, people would tell me "Jesus man you need to get laid"... So helpful that too for someone struggling be it male or female. Its like telling a man to pull out when hes already there, its gonna be a train wreck of a mess if it does!! No-one not even himself gonna be able to hold him back. full steam ahead and brace yourself!
I hope I don't picture this next time I get laid haha Anyway I'm waffling again.
Loneliness and stuff, love and acceptance
Have done others see Instagram
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