Diary pages

The diary I found about my thoughts worries and feelings. Keep a diary I was told while struggling with my panic attacks.. I've got many pages in there.. all going over similar worries of death, disease and leaving my children alone in the world. 2 years down the line and I'm still worrying the same shite. What if or I feel like that etc. Making myself ill from worry. I've done lots of work trying to help myself get (we'll say better) but really finding ways of learning to stop this cycle of torture.  

I am SICK, sick of caring, sick of struggling, sick of my fucking mind. I feel many emotions lately, lost, alone and frightened. 

So I have through many hours came to the idea of using the birds nest I found in the forest as I box for my diary. My burn't diary. pieces of my past encased to be reborn as eggs. Death or destruction doesn't have to mean the end. If it did I should be dead now! One eggs I will put my hopes and postitve thoughts for my future. This egg will be golden and different from the rest. 

The back of the bird nest is missing and I plan to make another book from the bark paper I made as a back cover. The image of a bird feeding its young as a view when you look through the box inside. I think to strenghten this I will encase the whole book in resin (wax too) sealed images, to take to my new ways of thinking. Like the Egyptians kinda did with the inscription inside the tombs of the dead.  

Making the casts for my eggs of plaster mixed with the burned pieces of diary and photos of my past.

Pieces of dairy and photos

Mixing the ashes and plaster

Why the eggs and the nest/bird box. Well a few thoughts and reasons brought me to this point 

• My love of nature
• consideration of death and past emotions
• my son telling me he wishes he could fly and be a bird!
• concepts of freedom and re-birth
• symbolic educational theories I've looked into (below)
• my own meditation and learning of different cultures (bible, Buddhism, mythology, psychology and philosophy)
• bring together my thoughts and ideas
• research of other artists and they way of viewing

Wasp I just googled as I currently have a wasp making a bink in my shed

So as you can see new beginnings, order, change, creation, new life.

For all these matters I need to get rid of my past and this is something I haven't been able to do so far.  I can't let the weight of the past keep me down anymore, I want to be more bird and fly.