Death and the idea that one day I will die has plagued me most of my life, even more so after having children. The leaving them behind and alone.
However, the last few years I find beauty and fascination in the dead things I've came across. I have kept documenting the decay of some of the animals I've found. I find they silence calms something inside me that I can't explain. Be it settles my mind and in some way I get a sense thats it's ok. However, I still can't let go of the worry and emotions for the life I wanna keep safe and untouched. To exist To live.
6 months later
A year later the skull had been taken. You could see the drag marks left and all that was left was the spine :(
I was sad at this but at the same time its natures way. It was never mine to possess in the first place and yet I did feel a connection and ownership of it. Why do well feel an entitlement to something natural.
The trouble is that all the worry has also without knowing it robbed me of time and the past moments and pleasures. Worry this Worry that...
I feel some people around me zap me of any positive energy I have. Taking me for granted or expecting to much of my time or material things. My state of mind at the moment is tired and exhausted. Always trying to ask questions or understand the world around me. The mundane conversations I hear other people talking about while having a coffee etc. I seriously think what a waste of breath. But yet what the hell do I have to say anyway. Lately I've been listening and reading more about psychology. The topic started years ago as a way to try and understand my panic attacks. But now I find myself wanting to know stuff like:
- Why are humans the only mammals concerned with time?
- Have we lost our natural instincts?
- Babies having natural instinct to feed as soon as they born?
- What is my mind capable of processes and how can I use this to empower myself to a more settled and better understanding of the world around me.
- Why am I to soft and why do I find it so hard to say no
- Why do I even care?
- Losing control - in the sense of being told your dying? (this frightens me and I struggle to get these thoughts away)
- Is this GAD inherited and if so how can I help my children if they find themselves in this hell hole of a cerebrum battle field
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| exhausted |
Then asking the questions also of who am I and what do I want.
The past two years of college have given me a higher sense of self, in ways of searching my interests.
Observation of skulls and skeletons
Do you think animals worry about death while coming up against one of its own dead?
No, we think he/she just inspects the carcass and continues on without the worry of death. Usually eating any meat from the carcass and tending to its own needs.
Mindfulness is an ancient Buddhist practice which is very relevant for life today. Animals and young children are very good at being mindful, in this present moment. This is something I find interesting because its also said we do a lot of our important learning young. Conflicting theories. I started to notice this programming. Its all so confusing at times.
I'm exhausted lately trying to find myself or to get to a place I feel settled. Truth is I found that nothing is the same and is always changing. Research tells us that our minds wander at least 50% of the time. It's ok for minds to wander, but it is helpful to be able to notice etc. when the mind wanders into things that aren't so helpful. Being able then to change our focus, even for a short time is something I find difficult.
I've looked into Psychology and have found that indeed
the idea that certain genes or gene combinations that influence particular behavioral traits can be inherited from generation to generation. So who is to blame here, my mother or father, they mother or father the list goes on but the big thing is we can't change what has been so I find myself trying very hard to find the answers to cope. To turn this around and if anything give the knowledge I learn to my children and the next generation. Society has a massive impact on our generational lying also.. different social groups and trends.
I feel like a fucking psycho, who even thinks as much as this and what or why would you? Why am I so consumed by it?
Back it the instincts of killing
I went out lamping the other night, my brother his 2 dogs and my 15 years daughter. The idea was to see how I felt being in the environment, hunting out and killing rabbits. How would I feel and would I be able to go through with the kill myself?
Beforehand I looked into the population cull and why and how this affects the environment (farmers, crops, population control, many pros and cons) Something in my head wanted to say no its wrong but another part felt the need to live this and feel what it was like to hunt, chase and kill in nature. (I should say the rabbits weren't wasted and they fed some the bird of prey in the local sanctuary plus we had the farmers permission)
I was glad my daughter was there also to live these moments and for us all to experience this. The dogs knew what was expected of them and they both looked so posed in position to do the task in hand. I'm still not sure if it was right or wrong, if I think of the poor rabbit running for its life I do feel bad. But also glad I did put myself into this situation. To push my limits and get some answers from deep within myself. Understanding finally something and making sense without anything of material value.
I do feel to face fears and to contemplate death is highly generative of creative life. For me I dont think they teach you this? Not many people probably give it a second thought until the point when the time is near. Conditioned, from a young age to learn and play by rules, to do well at school and then go out into the world and do well there. Like robots, we work and strive for wealth and good fortune.
When I decided to go to art school I did so with the idea that something bigger must be out there for me! what was the something, inside I still feel like I have the mind of a 20 year old, I dont feel 36 inside and I wonder how many others feel the same. On the treadmill of life and getting nowhere fast. Following the crowds and ticking boxes with no choice but to keep going unsure of the final outcome. The experiences missed and opportunity to live or source ones owns interests. The conditioning just continues. Surely this is not living.
Depression is a massive epidemic at the moment, its so extensive that I don't think they could put numbers on it.
But if you think about how we live our lifes then its no wonder. I'm a mother of 3. My day starts, I get up have a coffee (fake stimulant) then I wake kids and the routine and madness to get them ready, fed and out the door in a unrealistic time frame, next drop off at school (which is stress central, traffic, small talk with parents etc) next the race to get to college and not to arrive late. (mentally changing from mother to student mood) or yes forgot to write about before school you have to walk and feed the dog.
Work or study,(more coffee) listen to talks and be expected to take this information in. lunch if you have time (processed sandwich or if your lucky maybe some soup. maybe a junk snack crisps or choc) back to work mode and then afternoon break of more coffee. work again, pick up kids, sort tea, walk dog, bath kids, trying to chat, ask about they day and really trying to make sure your listening while thinking about the washing needing done, dishes etc etc. then maybe watch some reality show of the perfect family living it up in LA on your flat screen bed early cos your 5 year old wont go to bed without you and actually your exhausted. day starts again.
Thats just my day, without the emotions and dealing with the stress of anxiety and panic attacks. Life is so fast paced and its little wonder people are stressed. This isn't realistic living. Yes, you get money, nice material things, nice house (your hardly in) a nice car your lucky to be in for an hour a day, and one that costs a small fortune to run. friends are well hardly seen and lets face it usually consists of smiling a fake happiness.
Time -
time is infantile we have no theory really regarding it. humans seem to be the only mammals concerned with this thing called time!
happiness - if you translate a particular sensation such as happiness, giving it feeling or emotion you are separating that feeling for yourself. A sensation is short lived and isn't supposed to last. We demand to keep this sensation going longer and longer than is possible that its then while trying to stretch and hold on this emotion that we become unhappy. Always trying to get back the sensation without realising the natural process of this in its natural state. same as pleasure and pain. The demand for permanence is the reason we are unhappy. Nothing is permanent, our cells change every second.
For my project, I've been playing with these thoughts. I do usual do work of what is relevant to my mind at the time.
I decided to make cement hands ages ago, so with that I made a cement baby with the intention of placing the dead skulls in place of the head. The mix of animal and human instincts and the confusion of it all. Also the coming together of shared environment and just how much we consume for our need for growth. The growth we don't really understand, but strive to achieve for the greater good of man (which man lucky cunt whoever he is) the conditioned way of living a life thats full.
Going back to the rabbits, I was selfish and took advantage of a situation
because I could. I went out with an open mind but came back with a better understanding of how important it is to enjoy your free time out in nature. actually living and feeling the natural elements. Letting your mind focus on something using your senses and relying on instincts. Something I need to do more of. Not the killing just tapping into my real self and educating myself to live today . The pushed aside forgotten pleasures. Because making plans for the future is only good if you learn to enjoy today, because if can't enjoy the present you'll get to the future and it won't exist because the ideal for more never is enough. enjoy today cos as they say tomorrow never comes.
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| Cement |
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| Post crete |
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| Casting Plaster |
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| Clay |
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| Clay |
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| Cement. Left it very heavy |
I like the fact these baby in cement and earth seem very wrong on viewing.. but like the flower coming out of the earth we all can grow.
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| Making final models like this but still playing around with what works best and the effect I want for the end.. |
Was gonna write that I also came across the Damien Hirst -The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living
this I think seems relavant to my learning so I will read up some more on this and maybe do a blog of my thoughts. Will look at more of his work too... skull thing coming to mind.....
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